"Fore" from Gainesville, Florida: Growth, Care and Feeding of the Useful Idiot

A Govt. Guide to Proper Growth and Management of the Progressive Liberal Democrat:

Published in cooperation with the U.S. Dept.s of Education, Agriculture, Energy, Environmental Protection, Justice and Health and Human Services. In coordination with the Coalition of White House Czar's and the Dept. of Propaganda aka. the White House press corps.

Chapter 1:

Preparing Your Crop for Planting:

Make sure all intended spores are completely sterile and unexposed to any environment other than an isolated controlled atmosphere with minimal cross contamination. Any early contamination when first introduced to the controlled growth conditions as applied here will result in possible mutation and even the loss of the entire crop. The subjects must be unexposed to any influencing factor when first introduced to the growing medium. Once in the proper environment with little to no outside influencing factors may planting begin.

It is most important when preparing the bedding material for planting that excessive fertilization is best. You must start early and fertilize often for the highest yield possible. A high nitrogen content fertilizer is best, we highly recommend pure bull excrement as it has been our choice for multiple decades with very positive results. After initial growth becomes visible, they must become coordinated feedings with a regimented program of specific limited nutrient content proven to create controlled growth in the desired direction. Well rounded nutrition is not important but controlled growth is. Once the root growing pattern is established and controlled, an even more aggressive growth schedule will be applied. You can never over-fertilize and the deeper the better, as this genus has been selectively bred for decades to create a high tolerance to fertilization.

Chapter: 2

Best Environment to Grow:

Low light, yes this particular genus is very intolerant to direct light and does best in low to almost no light conditions, as most fungi are. It is best grown indoors where the light can be controlled. The desired UV wavelength and color options have shown excellent growth patterns within the red wavelength color spectrums. Also the oscillation and frequency of the fluorescent lamp especially the compact fluorescent lamp have been very positive, especially when used in conjunction with red filters. It has given the highest yields to date. The light should be on a controlled timer system to limit it to only the amount necessary to create photo synthesis and reduce plant rot and no more approximately 6 hours a day should be sufficient depending on local growing conditions.

The other environmental condition needed for best results should include high levels of ambient noise, with little to no structure. The growth subject flourished when subjected to the constant background noise of broadcast television, especially: ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC,HBO PBS, HNN all except FOX news. The most effective time frame was mid-afternoon to late evening. The station programming was of little direct influence except for certain reality based programs, especially those programs that featured a high musical content. We are still analyzing this anomaly and will release more data when available.

Different media exposure had different results that ranged from negligible to negative with the exception of Rap music, it showed promising results in a modified cluster pattern within certain groups of this genus but negative towards others, this is also under further investigative environmental studies.

NEVER LET THEM LISTEN TO CONSERVATIVE TALK RADIO, THE UNINTENDED RESULTS LED TO THE COMPLETE LOSS OF ENTIRE CROPS AND HAS BECOME RESISTENT TO ALL KNOWN DEFOLIANTS AND HERBICIDES AND CAN TAKE GENERATIONS OF NEW PLANTINGS TO REVERSE THE EFFECTS.

Chapter: 3

Moisture levels:

Moisture levels should be kept consistently high as fungi do best when saturated. High soil moisture content is necessary for nutrient breakdown and absorption by the crop and the wetter the better. The highest levels of plant nutrient absorption occurred when the water was treated with certain chemical compounds including chlorine and fluoride. Air circulation should be minimal to help maintain the high moisture levels and reduce cross pollination and cross contamination from occurring. We recommend city water from the local municipality or government run water treatment facility that prescribes to the mandated recommended levels of these additives.

Chapter: 4

Growth patterns:

The fungi grows best in cluster and large groups. When control conditions are at the desired levels the growth rates were greatly accelerated within groups and clusters versus individual subjects, especially in areas where the control subjects were constantly monitored for any deficiencies that were immediately compensated for when detected. When in the last growth cycle strict observation of the clusters is necessary for possible isolation or rectification of abnormal growth from individual and small clusters. Loss of environmental control at this stage can lead to entire crop destabilization and forced destruction of partial planting to preserve overall harvest. A loss of the entire crop can take several growing cycles to complete generations before optimal growing conditions can be re-established.

Chapter: 5

Harvesting:

Harvesting is not based on the level of maturity of the existing crop but on the need for planting the next generation of spores that are in need of the growing medium and could be left to outside development if left unattended.

All must be harvested as a single crop as individual harvesting before maturity tends to lead to contamination of the remaining crop. When removing the crop from its environment take great care to reinforce the stems leaving as much of it intact as possible, cutting close to the bedding is best as many may remain within the growing mediums immediate area due to overharvesting or deficient market appeal.

To preserve the crop store, package and ship in clusters as individual specimens tend to spoil quickly if not surrounded by a supportive environment.

Ship to your nearest market in need of regurgitation of propaganda talking points, public defecation and fornication, rape, drug abuse, extreme racial bigotry especially anti-Semitism, Hate Speech, inability to form an independent thought but excellent oral repetition skills and the willingness to forgo bathing and hygiene for several months.